okay WHAT

I just thought about something and now I’m pissed! So if my life goes perfectly according to my current plan, I should be working in the field of my profession by age 27 or 28. What?! That’s my late 20’s right there. I feel like my life has gone to waste and I’m never gonna get my early 20’s back. That’s the truth. That’s a fact. I’ll never be 22 again. I know this isn’t a bad thing. It’s just something on my mind that’s got me down. I wish there was a way for me to quickly piece my life together so I could enjoy my youth. But hey, if I’ve learned ANYTHING from my time in Sacramento, I’ve learned not to rush. Let go of the things you can’t control. There’s a plan for you.

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A letter to 2009 Jessica.

Oh my goodness, if only you could see me now. I’m going to be twenty four years old this year and I’m finally grasping what it means to fully love myself. Back then, these attitudes would be called “conceited,” but today self-love is encouraged and celebrated. It’s an act of rebellion and I know you’ve always wanted to look tough. We live ten years apart and I admit, I’ve spent most of those years hating myself and being ashamed of you. And I’m sorry. I had to learn patience, mindfulness, and self-determination before I could get to this point. If you could see me now, maybe you wouldn’t be so hard on yourself. Maybe you’d be able to see past all the negativity and realize that life is beautiful!! And you are beautiful EXACTLY the way you are!! I know you wouldn’t believe it if I told you, but you are absolutely deserving of the space you use. I know you want to make yourself small and convenient for others, but the universe needs you to live your life. In this moment, you are EXACTLY everything you need to be. So breathe easy, nothing stays the same forever and trust me, you are going places.

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Hi 2019

Wow. Fall 2018 was a semester to remember! Seven classes, 22 units, 1 new internship, and a countless new relationships in my life. The last couple weeks of the semester definitely tested me. Where to begin?

After Thanksgiving break, I had to enroll in my remaining four classes. Long story short, my adviser refused to help me out with all the complications so I took it upon myself to help myself. I was running around campus for a whole week visiting different advisers, tracking down professors, and communicating with the department of health and human services. At the end of the day, I’m on track to graduate in the Spring. It was the most stressed I’ve been in a while but now I know with certainty that I am in charge of my life. Next up was finals! After being in college for six years, exams and presentations really don’t phase me as much as they used to. This semester, what nearly killed me was all the projects!! I could barely eat and sleep because I waited until the very end to finish my projects. Man. I really learned that lesson. I finished this semester with A’s in six out my seven classes! Edward visited me once finals were over and we had sucha good time together. I love our sac days. We also saw an Amine concert with melly and fran. They are my favorite couple to double date with!

In another part of my life, Fall 2018 brought me to my most FAVORITE internships! I love being a volunteer at the hospital. My very first day, I already impressed my therapist! I was observing him making a splint for a patient’s fifth PIP joint. I sculpted the material and he fitted it onto the patient as I watched. Once I finished prepping the material for the patient’s second splint, he said “Ok, Jessica. Lets see you do it” Prior to beginning this internship, I promised myself that I would never turn down an opportunity to shine. So, I took the splint material and fitted it correctly on the first attempt! Oh, I couldn’t stop smiling. My therapist was surprised! He said “Oh, she was paying attention!” Yes. Yes I was. From this moment, my experience at the hospital has been nothing but enlightening. My therapist introduced me to the SNF and now I made some awesome connections there too. My first day there, my OTA called me one of the tough ones. There have also been some instances where I get to observe another OTA in the main hospital. I can’t tell you how good I’ve been feeling. I know that I shine here. I can’t help but think back to results and ascend and ace where I really felt small and insignificant. Now, I learn a lot and I’m valued as a person! This is everything to me. I was even lucky enough to get accepted to the one and only OTA program in all of norcal. I was completely floored. Some people wait 3 or 4 years to get in while I was accepted on my first try. This was unbelievable. But, thanks to all the wonderful people at the hospital, I turned it down. They helped me decide not to sell myself short and go all the way with OT. I will still be reapplying to OTA as a back up, but I’m all in with OT now. I know this is my path.

I hand-wrote poems for some of cousins and gave it them as christmas gifts this year. Our christmas was great this year. Soooo much love. We were all there to support Li as she just got to go home after her hospitalization. I drove three hours from sac to go see her. It was hard but having my cousins there made it alright. I held it together so well until sunday candy came on the radio! This was fascinating. I’ve NEVER heard sunday candy on the radio EVER. Its almost as if the song was playing for me. I spent the night in sf  with Ning. That night I started writing my poems. I put my whole heart into those poems and I’m so glad that I had the courage to share them. I love my cousins so much. We have a new tradition of having New Year’s breakfast together in Bianca’s new house!! So many blessings this year.

I grew so so much in 2018. I learned to make things happen for myself, something I’ve struggled with for a long time. This is the first year in a long while where I feel proud of the progress I’ve made. I feel hopeful for what 2019 is going to bring me. I just need to find the balance of stepping on the gas pedal while also taking in the scenery around me. My life is going to change and I want to be ready for it, but I also want to fully appreciate my life right now because it is so beautiful.

 

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I haven’t done one of these in a while! I love a throwback post

-I wish I brought my book home from sac so I could actually finish it ugh!!!
-Can’t wait to get this room decorated
-social media sucks asssssss. why does it make you feel so shitty
-i wanna see my dreams become reality, i really want it. if others can do it, why can’t i? why not me!
-one of these days i’m gonna get good at make-up. one of these days!!
-some days i really don’t want to have kids and some days i really want to pass down my awesome music taste
-i really should be using this time to be more productive but ehh
-my new year’s resolution is to cut back on red meat and processed foods. gotta start thinking ahead!
-this club is a trainwreck but i got way to much pride to let them have their way. i do miss ro a lot though.
-and also, you not hitting me up really hurt. i thought we could reconnect and be cool again
-been thinking about bringing back the short hair, hopefully my cheeks haven’t gotten too round!
-loved seeing the kids last night. they’re so grown! and my heart was soooo full
-all things in time, jess. you only hurt yourself when you try to rush. remember this.
-i want some sushi so bad and black bean noodles yummm AND CANJUN SEAFOOD BOIL OMG
-one thing i actually pride myself in is having good judgement when it comes to people i want to spend my time and effort on.
-ooooo i’m so excited for me and my roommate to get tattoos together
-i love her sooo much i wish i could be around for all her successes. i hope i can invite her to my graduation
-sometimes i really don’t want to have a wedding (would rather save $$$$), but then i think of all the nice ideas i have and i gotta make them happen! i think we deserve it
-i think another new years resolution i need is to act my age. i look young and so acting young does not help me look like a professional
-oh also, i really need to start keeping shit to myself within the club. these people are my competition after all
-i’m so proud to be a woman of color. we support and take care of our people and don’t see that as taking a backseat at all.
-my nails are getting long. i’m gonna cut them on black friday
-i hope everything works out with this situation. i’m sad that this feels like my first acceptance and i can’t even celebrate it because i gotta make this decision.
-ALL THESE COUNSELORS NEED TO DO THEIR DAMN JOBS BTW!! HELP ME I WANNA SUCCEED!!
-the more time i spend working in the hospital, the more i really don’t want to go back to descend. they treated me like S H I T.
-thank u, neeexxxtttt

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I’m planning on getting a full night’s sleep tonight so I can’t go into too much detail, BUT I am loving my life right now. I know I won’t be saying this in a couple weeks because of finals and projects, but it needs to be said. I feel hopeful about my future and I can visualize myself achieving my goals. I feel proud of myself. I’ve been working hard and learning so much. I appreciate the fact that I owe it to myself to see everything through to the end. I know in my heart and soul that I am who got myself here. I am able to be here all because of me. I am making this life for me. I want to push. I want to continue climbing.

Hi future Jess. How’s the view?

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“There’s gold in this river
I haven’t seen any yet,
but I would love to, one day.
And no, I don’t wait it for the
promise of wealth or status.
I just want to bring it home,
hold it over my head 
and show my sisters, yes! It is out there!
It is possible, see?
This can be ours, I did it 
for us.”

I’ve been thinking about this poem a lot lately. During national poetry month, I challenged myself to write a poem every single day using prompts. This prompt instructed me to research a body of water and then write a poem about it. I chose the American River. It is a river that I live right next to and that I bike past every day on my way to school. It is also the river where gold was first discovered in California. I wrote this poem about me finishing school and earning my degree. I am the eldest child of immigrant parents who came to this country to give me more opportunities and a better life. I know that earning my degree will signify that my parents’ sacrifices and hard work paid off. When I wrote this poem, I had no sight of the finish line. I was in a mindset where I genuinely felt like I was traveling no where. I felt like I was stuck in place. Now, I can see the light at the end of this tunnel. It gets brighter and brighter with each passing day. I’ve had my eyes set on gold and I’m not going home without it!

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